“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
She is also the one who came up with The Five Stages Of Grief.
I have been thinking about those five stages a lot lately. I consider myself lucky…i have had very few people that I was close to die. I have watched friends, however, mourn a loss. And I have seen the stages and how grief isn’t linear. You can jump back and forth between stages but never having truly experienced grief I didn’t recognize that I was in it.
I think my grieving started in earnest last November. November 2019. I had been on the precipice of depression for a long time…okay. I won’t lie. I was functionally depressed (Depression). I was fake it til you make it everyday…day after day for quite sometime (Denial).
Let me back up…in April 2018 AH went to detox. And it was all ignored and swept under the rug. As the wife, I just kept moving forward. Taking care. Cleaning up. Moving forward. We never worked through it. He refused counseling. Marital or otherwise. (Denial) And…time moved on. And even though on the surface everything seemed F.I.N.E….I stayed distrustful. I begged (Bargaining) more for counseling only be be told “only people and marriages with real problems go to counseling. If you feel so distrustful, seek out something yourself.” (Denial)
And then the day I had long dreaded finally came. His grandma died in September 2019. A couple weeks shy of 99. The weeks leading up to it, I saw the cycle begin. But I was also back to work and it is easier to just keep busy sometimes. (Denial).
Suddenly, things spiraled quickly. By November I had written a four page letter to AH explaining how worried I was, how his drinking affected every moment of my life, and that I felt like sooner or later he was going to force me to break the promises I made in our wedding day. (Bargaining).
Time moved forward.
And then Covid happened.
May rolled around and he slept through Mother’s Day and a few days later slept through our fifth anniversary. And all my anger I had been stuffing down exploded. I don’t think I have ever been that angry, and yelled that much or that loudly. (Anger) I sat on my couch crying and drinking the bottle of wine (Depression) my bff sent me. I told myself that I would keep records and notes and pictures of daily happenings in case I started to second guess myself.
Today is day 61…
In the quote above Elisabeth Kübler-Ross mentions “their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within…”
What if a persons light goes out? Not in physical death…but the light of WHO they are, or were, as the case may be.
How do you accept the death of the light in the one you love?